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A bit over 10 years ago my daughter met a man at an industry meeting and the two of them connected instantly. On their first year anniversary, they got engaged, and on the second, they got married. Too damn cute for words, right? During those first two years I met Chris for brief, but pleasant enough, encounters fewer than half a dozen times. That should have screamed DANGER to me, but it didn’t at the time. There were a couple of things that made me uneasy about him, but nothing I could use with any degree of comfort that would allow me to share and be taken seriously.

The wedding planning was underway at the same time I was in the process of moving to a warmer climate with retirement in mind. I was funding a good portion of the wedding accessories, the “save the dates”, the invitations, the gift bags for the guests making the trip to St Lucia, and many of the reception items. I found some frustration in everything having to be cleared and given final approval by Chris, and really wasn’t at all comfortable with the level of control he was exhibiting, but I kept quiet about it. Several of the changes he required showed he was simply trying to prove he was the one in charge, as adding something as ridiculous as “West Indies” to the St Lucia location probably made people question whether they actually knew where St Lucia was on the map. But, I had the change made and when all my responsibilities were fulfilled, I moved to Arizona.

I had only been gone a couple of months when my daughter contacted me saying she had started having anxiety attacks and thought she was having a heart attack. She wanted me to come home, but I asked her to come to Arizona for a short visit instead and said I would also buy Chris a ticket if she wanted him to come along. I was surprised that he allowed me to pay for the tickets since he was selling himself as this successful entrepreneur and owner of an established insurance agency, but he was happy to take the free trip. I wish now I hadn’t offered that, and had just brought my daughter down to find out what was really going on. But, I did have an additional concern show up while they were there.

Scott Peterson was a big part of the news at the time of their visit, so I looked Chris straight in the face and said there should be a triple punishment served on any man found guilty of harming his wife. The blank stare he gave me back was chilling, and then I learned his fascination with guns. So far, that has not been a problem, but I’m constantly scared for my grandchildren. Chris is not a responsible anything.

Months later, on Mother’s Day 2005 everyone was preparing to head for the island for the wedding. I was in Arizona, they were in Seattle, and I fully expected my daughter would have the courtesy to call me that day, confirm all the reservations and her excitement for the coming week, and wish me a happy mother’s day. No call all day. I left a couple of messages, and still no call. I would later learn that the two of them had spent the day with friends – getting drunk and trashing me. I finally left her a message that said I was tired of trying to get her to call and if she couldn’t be bothered to wish me a good day that I was sure I could cancel my trip if that’s what she wanted. Amazingly, that got a return call with a drunken excuse that she was waiting until she could have enough time to chat with me…funny, it was already the end of the day and she was too drunk to chat with anyone. While she was telling me off, because it was HER DAY (even though the wedding was actually over a week away) and I was to bite it if I thought Mother’s Day was actually MINE, Chris was standing in the background screaming at her “HANG UP ON THAT FUCKING BITCH!” So, she did. I called her back, and he answered her phone. I asked him to please help out here and calm her down. His response was, “I could, but why WOULD I?” I called Chris’ mother and told her I could no longer support the marriage, that Chris is clearly the alcoholic I suspected he was, and that I would not be going to the island. She told me that Chris has done that to her, but she never thought he would ever say such things to me.

Chris showed me who he was, and I believed him. My daughter needed to see it for herself, but 8 years later she simply joined him in alcoholism and added two beautiful kids to the mix. He isn’t alone in this, of course. My daughter is loving the “hero” aspect of how he controls her. At the wedding (and I’ll go into much more detail in another blog on this) reception, her 100% brother, who is shy and she treats poorly finally got the courage to ask her for a dance. Her response to him was a typically nasty, “I’ve already danced with MY brothers.” She was referring to her half-brother, who she hardly knew, and her new brother in law. When my son told me, he was visibly crushed so when we got back to the beach I went to tell my daughter she really hurt her brother and needed to apologize to him. Nothing dramatic, or so I would have expected. She knew exactly what she had done, and when I approached her she instantly (and drunk) started into her “NO, NOT ME” routine and BOTH Chris and his MOTHER came toward us as though Desirae needed to be saved from me. The picture just keeps getting clearer as to what my daughter is doing to me, all so she can win friends and give herself a boost of importance to some really negative people she calls friends and lovers.

Through these years, Chris has done multiple things to let me know that he will do whatever he can to keep and expand the wedge he needs between my daughter and me in order to own her. More blogs to follow.

It’s funny to me, but not haha funny, how people automatically give others a free pass on past pains they have yet to apologize, or take responsibility for simply because they’ve learned the person is facing an illness that will most likely bring their life to its conclusion. Why is that?

I can’t be so generous when I think those people should actually want to make amends and leave with a clear conscience knowing they have done what is needed to remove the barb from the hearts they have injured. Are they so shy of pride and principle that their victims are expected to not just carry the pain, but shoulder the burden of not having the courage to ask for some kind of atonement? My inclination is they need to be told, and they need to prove their motives while they still can.

My children’s father has a form of lymphoma and is likely in his final years, or days. He seems to be showing slightly more interest in trying to be remembered by his grandchildren, though still not quite there with his own. And, by slightly, I mean he will see them on their birthdays and maybe one or two more times during the year. He wasn’t real fast to see either one after they were born, and even 3 and 6 years later they aren’t real comfortable around him. Although our daughter would graciously bring her children to visit with him, he rarely asks unless there’s something else going on.

He was a horrible dad from the very beginning. Mean from the deepest part of his heart. There was no name too cruel to call his kids, making them cry was sport, and selfish knew no boundaries. When he felt the urge to berate them, there were no boundaries and all I could do was wait for it to end or deal with the escalated fury of having undermined his authority in front of the kids if I had intervened to stop his torture.

Saturday mornings he would go out to buy a newspaper and come home with a Snickers bar treat for our daughter. He’d give it to her whole, wait for her to open the wrapper and then ask if he could have a bite. In her generous nature, she’d hand him the candy bar, he’d take 3/4 of it in one bite and then laugh when she started to cry. As soon as he regained the ability to talk from a mouthful of candy he’d berate her with, “what’s the matter, are you too selfish to share with your dad?”

The day I saw him chase our 3 year old son, grab him by the hair and kick the feet out from under him I knew it was time to call it quits and take the children to safer surroundings. Whether or not he would actually ever really hurt either of them physically was less significant than the incredible emotional damage he was doing to them. Having been emotionally taunted by my mother all my life gave me the empathy needed to act against this behavior. As the years went on, though, it became clear that emotional injuries can be inflicted from anywhere in the world, and all the protecting I tried to do was for naught. Genetics existed and one of the two children would grow up to be just like her dad – favor him as the parent of choice, actually. Then, there was money in her dad’s portfolio and she had acquired a husband much like him.

He spent the biggest part of his life living abroad and as far away from them as possible. We never had a phone number, an address, or emergency contact information for him, which limited the contact the kids could originate. Of course, nothing was ever his fault and he would go to great lengths to try and convince the kids that they were the ones responsible for maintaining a relationship with him – even at 5 and 9 years old. If he came back to the area on leave or to visit, he would wait until a day or two before he was leaving again to call them. A quick lunch out, phone call within 48 hours that he was at the airport, and 2 days later a letter would arrive declaring his sadness that they hadn’t had any real time together, but that he would certainly make it up to them one day.

He’s dying now, and he’ has shown only the slightest interest in making it up to them. My son compared him to “Lee Atwater” and his death bed regrets. Even though his effort to connect to his kids is a bit more frequent, it isn’t much. My daughter, however, is married to a man who will take money any way he can get it, and the thought of the guy dying has visions of inheritance dancing in his head, it seems. That’s a blog of its own.

I have an elderly (94.5 year old) aunt in Kansas City. Until recently when she had a mild stroke that only impacted her physically, followed by a broken hip, she was driving, doing all her own gardening and living alone without any problems. Now, she’s in an assisted living facility and hating the confinement. I have been able to get out to visit with her twice at this point and hope to see her again in another six months, but it’s expensive to fly out there and deal with travel expenses.

I also had an uncle in Mpls who has been dealing with a variety of illnesses for the past decade, and since his youngest granddaughter (also my cousin) was getting married, I took a trip north to attend the wedding and get a little visit time with him. I am so very glad I did, as he passed away the day I got home after my travels.

But, that’s not the point of my post. I was fascinated to see deeper into the fraud that is my best friend’s husband. He goes out of his way to act nice, supportive, and generous with her, but what lurks beneath is a red neck who is just waiting until that moment when he is comfortable enough to come out of the shadows. As my friend and I were in a conversation about the ultra wealthy vs. middle class, he butt in with his opinion that the ultra wealthy earned every dime they hoard from the economy. It’s fine to have that opinion, but his declaration came in a tone that made it the LAST word allowed to be spoken on the subject, and then he stomped out of the room to make sure his opinion couldn’t be challenged. A few minutes later he re-entered the room, and hollered ahead of himself that he was returning so we had better stop talking.

I ask anyone to defend him and claim that this is a kind, supportive, generous man. Because I don’t see it. He has exposed himself to me as a combative, jealous cannon just waiting to go off. Of course, the real problem could be that when I come to visit, his wife all but ignores him while we dedicate our time to shopping and eating out and he resents it.

Opening Day at Tip Tock!

I love the blogs! Because I work in a small 3 person office, I don’t get much chat time with others. Those chat times in my past have always been my resource for learning about things from tiny trivia to big deals. It’s my way of sharing what I’ve learned, seen, found, heard, or logically deduced from years of actively participating in life.

What I don’t love about the blogs is the uncontrolled expression of animosity people have toward one another. When people come to the internet to chat on blogs, why do they use it as a place to bully and berate? That’s not what the internet is for — it has been the research/resource medium now for over a decade and the intent is to find people of like interests and thoughts. So, why go looking for sites that oppose your viewpoint just so you can get nasty and rude with people you might not know? It’s a small world. That person you just swore at could actually be your boss!

So, here is where I want to be to share thoughts, ideas, plans, knowledge, advice, and the fun things that make the world go round. Rest assured — I have zero patience for the rude and bully communication style.


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