A bit over 10 years ago my daughter met a man at an industry meeting and the two of them connected instantly. On their first year anniversary, they got engaged, and on the second, they got married. Too damn cute for words, right? During those first two years I met Chris for brief, but pleasant enough, encounters fewer than half a dozen times. That should have screamed DANGER to me, but it didn’t at the time. There were a couple of things that made me uneasy about him, but nothing I could use with any degree of comfort that would allow me to share and be taken seriously.

The wedding planning was underway at the same time I was in the process of moving to a warmer climate with retirement in mind. I was funding a good portion of the wedding accessories, the “save the dates”, the invitations, the gift bags for the guests making the trip to St Lucia, and many of the reception items. I found some frustration in everything having to be cleared and given final approval by Chris, and really wasn’t at all comfortable with the level of control he was exhibiting, but I kept quiet about it. Several of the changes he required showed he was simply trying to prove he was the one in charge, as adding something as ridiculous as “West Indies” to the St Lucia location probably made people question whether they actually knew where St Lucia was on the map. But, I had the change made and when all my responsibilities were fulfilled, I moved to Arizona.

I had only been gone a couple of months when my daughter contacted me saying she had started having anxiety attacks and thought she was having a heart attack. She wanted me to come home, but I asked her to come to Arizona for a short visit instead and said I would also buy Chris a ticket if she wanted him to come along. I was surprised that he allowed me to pay for the tickets since he was selling himself as this successful entrepreneur and owner of an established insurance agency, but he was happy to take the free trip. I wish now I hadn’t offered that, and had just brought my daughter down to find out what was really going on. But, I did have an additional concern show up while they were there.

Scott Peterson was a big part of the news at the time of their visit, so I looked Chris straight in the face and said there should be a triple punishment served on any man found guilty of harming his wife. The blank stare he gave me back was chilling, and then I learned his fascination with guns. So far, that has not been a problem, but I’m constantly scared for my grandchildren. Chris is not a responsible anything.

Months later, on Mother’s Day 2005 everyone was preparing to head for the island for the wedding. I was in Arizona, they were in Seattle, and I fully expected my daughter would have the courtesy to call me that day, confirm all the reservations and her excitement for the coming week, and wish me a happy mother’s day. No call all day. I left a couple of messages, and still no call. I would later learn that the two of them had spent the day with friends – getting drunk and trashing me. I finally left her a message that said I was tired of trying to get her to call and if she couldn’t be bothered to wish me a good day that I was sure I could cancel my trip if that’s what she wanted. Amazingly, that got a return call with a drunken excuse that she was waiting until she could have enough time to chat with me…funny, it was already the end of the day and she was too drunk to chat with anyone. While she was telling me off, because it was HER DAY (even though the wedding was actually over a week away) and I was to bite it if I thought Mother’s Day was actually MINE, Chris was standing in the background screaming at her “HANG UP ON THAT FUCKING BITCH!” So, she did. I called her back, and he answered her phone. I asked him to please help out here and calm her down. His response was, “I could, but why WOULD I?” I called Chris’ mother and told her I could no longer support the marriage, that Chris is clearly the alcoholic I suspected he was, and that I would not be going to the island. She told me that Chris has done that to her, but she never thought he would ever say such things to me.

Chris showed me who he was, and I believed him. My daughter needed to see it for herself, but 8 years later she simply joined him in alcoholism and added two beautiful kids to the mix. He isn’t alone in this, of course. My daughter is loving the “hero” aspect of how he controls her. At the wedding (and I’ll go into much more detail in another blog on this) reception, her 100% brother, who is shy and she treats poorly finally got the courage to ask her for a dance. Her response to him was a typically nasty, “I’ve already danced with MY brothers.” She was referring to her half-brother, who she hardly knew, and her new brother in law. When my son told me, he was visibly crushed so when we got back to the beach I went to tell my daughter she really hurt her brother and needed to apologize to him. Nothing dramatic, or so I would have expected. She knew exactly what she had done, and when I approached her she instantly (and drunk) started into her “NO, NOT ME” routine and BOTH Chris and his MOTHER came toward us as though Desirae needed to be saved from me. The picture just keeps getting clearer as to what my daughter is doing to me, all so she can win friends and give herself a boost of importance to some really negative people she calls friends and lovers.

Through these years, Chris has done multiple things to let me know that he will do whatever he can to keep and expand the wedge he needs between my daughter and me in order to own her. More blogs to follow.